Smiling in the Dark: You're Not Alone If You've Struggled with Suicidal Thoughts
“You’re always smiling and so positive. You’re just so happy all the time" my friend said to me as we grabbed our class books from our lockers.
I tightened my grip on my locker door, flashed the biggest grin, and began to make my way towards third period class. My first semester of freshman year of high school had just begun, and I didn’t want to start the year off with a tardy slip.
I settled into my history class and couldn’t shake what my friend said to me. It made me sad, because everyone around me thinks I’m doing great, when in reality, it feels like I’m drowning. I turned to the back of my history notebook and started journaling:
I wish this sadness would go away.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
Everything hurts…
After school my friends asked if I wanted to grab something to eat with them. I told them I was full from lunch and needed to head home to start on a history project. They shrugged and went on their way and on the bus ride home, I sat there with guilt, because I just lied to my friends – I didn’t have lunch today.
I got home from school, and my dad greeted me at the door saying that he’d be making my favorite meal once my mom and siblings get home too. Dinnertime came quick and he peaked in my room:
“Hey, we’re all at the table, let’s eat!”
“Sure, I’ll be there in a minute, I just have to finish my history project first” I replied.
No one realized it, but I never came out for dinner. I continued to work on my project and when my parents asked if I made my dinner plate, I told them I had food left over from school and ate in my room.
What made struggling with an eating disorder and suicidal thoughts so difficult was that both caused me to push away my friends and loved ones. People were in my corner, I just didn’t have the words to express what I was going through. However, I loved to journal. It was there that I found the words came easier.
One day, my English teacher read one of my journal entries and asked to meet with me. “How are you doing Ayanna?”
I was shocked by the question, but also relieved, because someone took the time to check in with me. All I could do was point to the journal entry and gestured to the same words I wrote during history class. She encouraged me to talk to the school counselor and walked with me to their office. In the counselor’s office I felt safe and heard. I was told I had a beautiful smile but it’s okay to cry and show how I’m really feeling.
I started going to therapy and learned how to express my emotions without using eating disorder behaviors as a coping mechanism. I joined a free support group where I saw that I was not alone and that there is hope.
Today I am in graduate school studying to be a therapist, and am the Volunteer Ambassador Program Co-Manager for Project HEAL, supporting the mission to help folks facing barriers to eating disorder treatment. I have found healing. I am closer with my family and friends, and I know now that I deserve to be here. Suicidal thoughts can feel so loud and scary, but there are resources and support to help get through them. Healing is possible and we are worth being here.
