REPAIRING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD
Written by Sydney Johnson
Over my 19 years on this earth, I have learned that the most impactful way to relate with another human is to share vulnerabilities. For all you Enneagram lovers out there, I am a 3. A 3 is described by the Enneagram Institute as “ambitious, competent, and energetic, status-conscious and highly driven for advancement; they are diplomatic and poised, but can be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them.”
As you might deduce from this character assessment, it has not been easy for me to share my difficulties. But I am done hiding imperfections. Whoever is reading this, I hope you feel inspired by my story or relate somehow. I hope you know that if you are currently going through a hardship relating to food, your body, or self-image, I am rooting for you to spur on towards self love. Now, let’s jump into my story of freedom from the eating disorder that chained me in misery and restriction for years.
Flash-back to 8-year-old Sydney Johnson. I was a fiery spirit with a social butterfly soul, but deep down something was off. I would worry myself sick (literally) about contamination, falling asleep at night, and whether or not light switches and stoves were turned off.
One day in particular, I was so worried about getting sick from something I had touched that I stressed myself out to the point of actually getting sick on the way to school. My parents decided to take me to a psychiatrist, where I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Little did I know, this diagnosis would shape my life for years to come.
Flash-forward to 13 year old Sydney who had undergone many different OCD-induced worries. One day I was looking through a book my sweet mom had purchased titled “What to do With Your Child’s OCD Thoughts.” Of course I landed on the chapter relating to OCD paired with eating disorders. As a middle schooler I had begun to notice the shape of my body, but I had no idea what an eating disorder was or that it even existed up until that moment.
The chapter talked about anorexia, bulimia, and various other terms. The minute I put the book down I had the terrifying thought, “What if I get one of those...”
Now, to some people, that thought may seem silly, but what you have to understand about OCD is that the thoughts never make logical sense and the anxiety is terrifyingly real. That is where my obsession with food, exercise, and the scale began.
I would weigh myself multiple times each day and restrict my food intake, which led to bingeing at night. Everyday, I would compulsively look up what my BMI should be and try to calculate how much I should be eating. It was not until my dad looked over my shoulder one night and saw what I was researching that my family was clued into what was plaguing my thoughts.
I desperately needed help, but I never would have told them about this issue because I was ashamed. They helped me reevaluate my habits and encouraged me to recover until I finally found peace from this issue from 8th-11th grade.
However, I went through a relapse the summer going into my senior year.
The scary thing about an eating disorder is how quietly it creeps in like a thief in the night. It's sneaky, until you’ve somehow become captivated by it.
My relapse began with a sincere desire to “eat well” and exercise more often. Slowly but surely, I began weighing myself more and more until it became a daily habit.
By senior year, it had become a massive problem. I developed Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (my body was so malnourished it stopped menstruating in an effort to preserve energy). I remember looking at the scale the morning of my senior homecoming and being the lowest I had ever been. The saddest part about this is the feeling of sincere accomplishment that followed.
I didn’t even care that I had no energy, no period, and no love for my body anymore; all I cared about was the number on that damn scale. I would sit across from family and friends at dinner thinking only of the number of calories there might be in what I had ordered. My singular goal was my “dream body”, and the scale became my only gauge for whether I was a success or a failure.
By January of 2020, I was done. This way of life was miserable, exhausting, and could not be sustained. I knew I needed to change something or these thoughts that had taken over my mind would take my life. I decided to change. I found online support from people who were authentic, who were transparent about their real bodies, who ate whatever they wanted, and who had broken free from their own obsession with food, fitness, and thinness. Having these role models, one day I had the thought, “If they can do it and share it all over social media, then I can do it too.” That was my thought when I began my journey to freedom.
Interestingly, one thing that helped immensely was the pandemic. In quarantine, I was forced to reflect and sit in the most uncomfortable moments without distractions. It truly was a time of peace and healing for me. I learned how to fuel myself properly, I stopped weighing myself, and I started to be active only in ways that I actually enjoyed. By summer, I finally felt more confident in my own skin.
Although I had gained weight and had taken the time to accept my body’s changes, when I saw an ad for the Miss Austin Texas Pageant taking place August 30th, I decided I wanted to compete. I reasoned that since I was on a journey to learning to love myself and push myself to be uncomfortable, a pageant was definitely on the opposite side of confort. No one understood this choice for many reasons, primarily because I had never competed, and I was moving to college in 2 months.
Nonetheless, I felt extremely called to compete and I went with that calling. I watched Miss USA videos to learn the pageant walk, got an interview coach, and decided that I wanted my pageant platform to be eating disorder awareness.
The one thing I did not do before the pageant was start any sort of diet or intense exercise routine because I wanted to protect my health and present my authentic self onstage.
Imagine my surprise when - without starving, in recovery, prioritizing my mental health over perfectionism - I won.
This lesson has continued to shape the way I treat my body. We do not always have control over the food that is available, whether or not a gym is nearby, or if we randomly get sick. However, we do have control over our mindset regarding these uncertainties. My weight is up and my period is back, and I’ve never felt better.
f I was to worry about the calories in everything I ate, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy moments with new friends. I wouldn't trade those coffee dates, late night Whataburger runs, or dining hall dinners for the world, because they are a crucial part of some amazing memories that I am making. With this newfound freedom, my new goal as Miss Austin (and hopefully Miss Texas soon!) is to spread the message that your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your weight. Nothing at all.
In my dream world, people wouldn’t even know their weight. Health is not defined by a number on a scale. Health is different for each and every person. Mine is about eating foods that my body craves, moving in a way that I enjoy, and taking care of myself emotionally. It is not about trying to hit impossible beauty standards that shift like the wind, but finding confidence and beauty in the things that make me unique.
My wish for you, dear reader, is that you set yourself free from any rules that might be standing in your way of joy, and that you begin to dare to imagine that you deserve acceptance and celebration exactly as you are.
Sydney Johnson, 19 years old, Miss Austin Texas 2021, Competing in Miss Texas on September 3rd, Studying honors hospitality management with a minor in event planning (with dreams of being a wedding planner!), Pi Beta Phi with the Arkansas Alpha chapter, Mission: Breaking down shame regarding eating disorders & promoting a healthy & balanced lifestyle.