HEALING IS IMPERFECT
Written by Naomi Devlin
Writing this feels vulnerable. I am still working on my relationship to food and my body. I want to be thoughtful about how I speak about my experiences and the need to center complexity and diversity in conversations around eating disorders and recoveries.
I hold a lot of privilege and I had access to treatment. There are parts of my experiences that still feel too vulnerable, or that aren’t my story to tell. But my intention for this year was to be brave, and part of that for me is being imperfect.
I had to fight to get access to treatment, despite the privilege that I had. I have been treated as an inpatient and outpatient, in both general medical and specialised eating disorders treatment. I have been treated under the Mental Health Act and had to travel across the country.
I am grateful to have had access to treatment. It equipped me with some of the skills that I needed to recover.
I decided to recover without support because I couldn’t find recovery in treatment.
I had to take responsibility for doing the work. Recovery is hard and it took a lot of trust and courage to keep going.
I wanted to be content and let my body be. Intuitive eating, HAES, eating disorders research, yoga, podcasts. and blog posts gave me frameworks and guideposts to recover. I had to rumble with the seasons of recovery and work through the hurt, doubt, anxiety, guilt, shame, frustration, grief, and anger. I had to find something that mattered, that gave me a purpose.
I studied for my A Level Maths in 2 months and for my Biology and Chemistry A Levels over the next year independently. I visited my family in Germany. I applied to study Biology at university in September 2019. But, I decided to leave my degree.
Becoming a volunteer with Shout in April 2020 gave me a purpose. Shout is a 24/7 UK mental health text support service. Shout volunteers work alongside clinical supervisors and are trained to support people in distress through active listening, problem solving, and crisis management skills. I got such amazing feedback and learnt a lot from supervisors, volunteers, and the people that I spoke to. I made a difference and, in some cases, was part of saving someone’s life. I made the decision to leave Shout in April 2021 but I am so grateful to have been a part of something that supported so many people through the hardest times in their lives.
I applied to study Psychology in September 2020 and I started working for a charity in August 2020 as an online peer support volunteer, providing email support and guidance for young people with eating disorders. I find it so rewarding to see the people that I work with making progress, to have the opportunity to build a relationship with them and empower them to build a life worth living. I care a lot about the people and families that I speak to and work with.
I love the advocacy work that I do. I am passionate about improving access to trauma-informed and weight-inclusive eating disorder care. I love learning, critiquing, reading, listening, and connecting with people. I have had the opportunity to work with healthcare professionals and researchers, attend conferences, and speak at trainings.
But this summer has been hard. I decided that I didn’t want to continue with my degree. We have been through a lot as a family and I knew that deep down I wasn’t OK. OCD is something that has impacted me a lot, particularly in the past couple of years and it’s something that I still find hard to talk about. I know that I need to do the work, but sometimes I feel battered and vulnerable. My body has changed in ways that feel uncomfortable.
It’s hard to notice softness in places that were once harsh, but it’s more than that: I don’t feel like me. It’s hard to trust that I am enough, with all of the messy parts that make me whole.
I feel lost and I am tired of things being so hard. Some days it’s hard to find hope and courage. But, I have a strong connection to the ground beneath my feet. I know when I need to take a breath and to think. I can be brave, vulnerable and kind. I can make hard decisions. I know deep down that I am capable of just about anything. But, for now, I need to just be.
Recovery is about building a life worth living, strength, hope, and connection. It’s about accepting yourself as you are and being able to live your life in alignment with your values.
Being recovered is imperfect, and that’s kind of the point.
I find that metaphors and analogies are helpful to put words to ideas that aren’t concrete, particularly in recovery. My eating disorder and OCD feel like wildfires and storms across a landscape that was my home. Part of the process of healing is rewilding that landscape. Planting seeds, trees, shrubs, flowers, and grasses. Nourishing the ground beneath my feet and creating a new wilderness that I can call home. Some parts are now self-sustaining; I don’t need to water and care for the seeds in the same way. But, there are some patches of grass and soil that haven’t recovered.
I have learnt to rumble with the seasons and weather storms. I am grateful to have somewhere to call home and I am angry that it has been forever changed by the wildfires and storms that I have weathered. I am learning to accept the ruggedness and imperfections of this new landscape, but I still feel grief for what I have lost.
There will always be imperfect parts of life. Be brave, Naomi.
It was my sister’s wedding this weekend. I buttoned up her wedding dress. We laughed and smiled together. I am so proud of my sister and I am so happy that I could be there for her. It was probably one of the best days (if not the best) of my whole life. I didn't feel comfortable in my body, but that’s OK. I was there for my sister. I was able to laugh, smile and cry with my family. That’s what matters: that I am here.
I am talkative, daft, and stubborn. I am kind, caring, and thoughtful. I love pain au chocolat, brownies, baking, and yoga. I can do handstands. I love the beach and sunsets and listening to the rain. I can laugh until I cry and feel grief. I can rest on my yoga mat watching the clouds, and just be. I love (re)reading books. I am so lucky to have the most amazing family and friends. I doubt myself a lot but I have so much to give and I am finding my feet.
I am resilient and imperfect.
I am going through and have been through a lot.
And that’s OK.
Naomi (she/her) is a peer mentor and eating disorder advocate based in Beverley, UK. She loves the beach, sunsets, baking, yoga, brownies, and ice cream. Naomi is talkative, kind, curious, and stubborn. She values being vulnerable and kind, and enjoys connecting with people. Naomi writes about eating disorders, yoga, and baking on twitter (@naomidevlin26). She is passionate about improving access to weight-inclusive and trauma-informed eating disorder care and is interested in eating disorders, critical health psychology, research, intuitive eating, yoga, and baking.